As many of my long-time grasshoppers know, the CIA occasionally calls upon the Samurai for special assignments which are particularly dangerous (for example, this assignment I did in Iraq).

I have recently completed yet another covert assignment for The Company; this one involved testing a prototype of an implantable microchip. My assignment was to be the human test subject and to have this protoype implanted into my spine. This was the real reason for the back surgery that I previously told you about. For obvious national security reasons, I was unable to reveal the full nature of the surgery to you at that time.

The Agency has declassified portions of this project and I am now free to tell you about this brilliant technological breakthough. The microchip is called the Appliantology 3000^® Total Appliance Awareness Microchip Implant (TAAMI). Its purpose is to provide appliance repair technicians with instant and total access to information on every appliance ever made or that will be made. TAAMI meets or exceeds all of its design objectives. Below is a photograph of the Appliantology 3000^® Total Appliance Awareness Microchip Implant:

Appliantology 3000^® Microchip

I cannot emphasize strongly enough how much of a windfall TAAMI is for our national security. The successful implantation of TAAMI into every appliance repair technician in America will make our nation invulnerable to all threats, foreign and domestic.

I know many appliance technicians reading this have serious concerns about receiving such an implant. Some of you are concerned about civil liberties issues such as privacy; others may be apprehensive about having a device surgically implanted into your spine. Let me assure you that you have nothing to fear on both counts. Privacy in this electronic age is an illusion–Big Brother already knows everything about you.

As for the surgery, ain’t nothing to it. A skilled surgeon implants the chip into the lumbar region of your spine, as shown below:

Location of TAAMI Implant

The procedure only takes about an hour and half and you’re out of the hospital that same day. You’re left with a tiny, permanent lump at the base of your spine which is completely unnoticeable. You can barely see it in the picture below:

Side View of TAAMI Implant Site

But wait, there’s more! The Appliantology 3000^® Total Appliance Awareness Microchip Implant is also an integrated communications device. Throw away your cell phone, voice recorder, and all those other gadgets. Since the Appliantology 3000^® microchip is uplinked to the global satellite phone system, you can make phone calls to anyone in the world from whereever you are by simply talking! Here’s an example of a voice recording I made today on the implant by simply speaking normally:

MP3 File

The sound quality is a little muffled because the sound has to travel down my spinal canal to reach the microchip at the base of my spine. But still, you can hear the words clearly. Sound quality enhancement is one of the design goals slated for the second generation of TAAMIs.

If you are a currently practicing appliance repair technician, the Department of Homeland Security will be contacting you soon to schedule your implant surgery. In the meantime, I am available to answer any questions or discuss any concerns you may have regarding the Appliantology 3000^® Total Appliance Awareness Microchip Implant. Feel free to post your questions or comments here; email me at samurai AT fixitnow.com; or call me at (781) 753-7457. Remember: we appliance repair technicians are the vanguard defending Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 23rd, 2005 at 1:24 am and is filed under General Appliance Wisdom, Karaoke Lounge. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Or, you can jump to the homepage.