One of the New Year’s resolutions I made was to try five new beers this year. Yeah, I like to set a low hurdle so as to build up my self esteem, an’ all. Anyway, given my legendary penchant for the sacred fermented nectar, it didn’t take long to fulfill that one. Here are the five new brews I road tested:

Wicked Pablo Picasso Rauchbie

This beer comes pre-shaken, so point it away from your face when you open it.

Ace Ventura’s Moronic Golden Ocelot American Light Lager

Ever wondered what carbonated kitty urine tastes like? I don’t… anymore.

Santa’s Grunting Lemur Barley Wine

After you kill a six-pack of this stuff, you’ll know why those poor lemurs were grunting. Santa awwta be arrested for animal cruelty.

Ardvaark-Swill Bière de Garde

The “swill” portion of the name is really misleading. But then again, I’ve always had a soft spot for beers flavored with ardvaark roadkill.

Beelzebub’s Portentious Vampire Bat Extra Special Bitter

This is one bad hombre. Two swigs of this stuff and I was doing a Vulcan mind-meld with Dick Cheney and wanted to bomb the hell outta everything.

Cheers!

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