From all of us here at Fixitnow.com Samurai Appliance Repair Man— Mrs. Samurai, Jeeves, Shaz, Samenilla, Bubba, the Oz Man, and yours so very freaking truly, Samurai Appliance Repair Man– have a kickass kung fu kristmas!
We are issuing this urgent warning to the general public: the latest issue of our newsletter, Appliantology: The Oracle of Appliance Enlightenment, has somehow escaped the plantation. It was last seen running naked and screaming incoherently across the Web. If you happen to come across it, please DO NOT approach it; keep your distance as it may be armed with lethal ideas which could endanger the health and well-being of the statist control grid. Please contact the Internet Newsletter Authority (INA) immediately.
The Concerned Crew at Fixitnow.com Samurai Appliance Repair Man
This Thanksgiving holiday, let’s take a moment to reflect on the joy and comfort of family reunions and sharing a meal together. Let us also share with others outside our immediate families since we’re all one big human family. In keeping with the spirit of sharing, I’d like to share this home video from the Samurai family’s Thanksgiving meal yesterday:
I’ve started using Twitter to post quick appliance repair tips. These are things that don’t quite merit a full-blown blog post here at the site but are still Fun Facts to Know and Tell (FFTKAT). Seems like the ideal use for microblogging. It’s stuff like pointing out a particularly illuminating post at the Samurai Appliance Repair Forum, links to appliance service manuals, appliance recall alerts, and maybe a little personal stuff, too. Take a look at my Twitter page and you’ll see what I mean.
Twitter posts are called “tweets.” (I know, it took me a while to get used to the metrosexual lingo of the web, too. It’s a brave new world!) You can keep up with my tweets as I post ’em by following my Twitter page. And it’s free.
Precaución: ¡Está Caliente!
If you live in the New London, New Hampshire area, and you need a major kitchen or laundry appliance repaired, call The Appliance Guru for service so good it’s beyond exceptional– it’s sublime!
- We are: Honest, dependable, and experienced.
- Your Call: When you call for service at 526-7129 you’ll usually get a live human. In the off-chance that you get voicemail, it’s because of poor cell phone coverage in the Lake Sunapee area. And if you do leave a message, your call will be returned ASAP!
- How Soon? We can usually get to your home the same day or the next day.
- Our Arrival: We can usually schedule a one-hour window for arrival at your house so you’re not waiting around all day.
- Fee Structure: Our service call/diagnostic fee is $85 but it is waived if you go forward with the repair. After diagnosing your machine, the complete repair price, including all service fees and parts costs, will be quoted to you up front. You can decide whether or not to go forward with the repair. If you choose to do the repair at the quoted price, you only pay for the quoted repair without the service call fee.
- Payment Terms: For your convenience, we accept checks, cash, credit cards, PayPal, gold, silver, and winning lottery tickets for payment when the service is completed. If you pay the entire repair fee by cash, gold, or silver, we’ll take $25 off the bill!
- Our Guarantee to You: All repairs are backed by our unmatched 110% guarantee: If, in the unlikely event that The Appliance Guru’s work does not fix the problem, you will receive a 110% REFUND. We stand behind our work 110% and we put our money where our mouth is! Furthermore, if the repair is initially successful but then the part fails within one year, it will be replaced at no charge (the 110% refund does not apply in this case).
The Appliance Guru provides prompt, convenient service in the following towns in New Hampshire: New London, Elkins, Wilmot, Springfield, Georges Mills, Sunapee, Mt. Sunapee, Newbury, Sutton, Bradford, Warner, Grantham, and the Eastman Community.
Or, use this nifty form and I’ll reply ASAP:
During these times of imploding economies, collapsing currencies, wiped out retirement funds, staggering debt loads, and shattered dreams, let’s take a moment to give thanks and remember that, no matter how bad it seems right now, it could be worse. Much worse.
Living up here in New Hampshire, I do service calls in some remote places. Here’s a picture of a service call I did at a high mountain cottage in the White Mountains. Carrying all my tools up the mountain was tough on my bad back. And then those hikes all the way back down the mountain to get parts out of my van… OY! I think maybe I’m getting too old for this bidness.
One of the New Year’s resolutions I made was to try five new beers this year. Yeah, I like to set a low hurdle so as to build up my self esteem, an’ all. Anyway, given my legendary penchant for the sacred fermented nectar, it didn’t take long to fulfill that one. Here are the five new brews I road tested:
Wicked Pablo Picasso Rauchbie
This beer comes pre-shaken, so point it away from your face when you open it.
Ace Ventura’s Moronic Golden Ocelot American Light Lager
Ever wondered what carbonated kitty urine tastes like? I don’t… anymore.
Santa’s Grunting Lemur Barley Wine
After you kill a six-pack of this stuff, you’ll know why those poor lemurs were grunting. Santa awwta be arrested for animal cruelty.
Ardvaark-Swill Bière de Garde
The “swill” portion of the name is really misleading. But then again, I’ve always had a soft spot for beers flavored with ardvaark roadkill.
Beelzebub’s Portentious Vampire Bat Extra Special Bitter
This is one bad hombre. Two swigs of this stuff and I was doing a Vulcan mind-meld with Dick Cheney and wanted to bomb the hell outta everything.
(Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu == Happy New Year)
Need a New Year’s resolution? Here’s one: Vote for Ron Paul, President, 2008! He’s the TRUE peace candidate: he has consistently and stridently opposed the war in Iraq, the war on drugs, and all the other loony “wars” that the feral gubmint (federal government) has declared and only ended up making problems worse. Let’s chain the beast in D.C.! Vote Ron Paul!
Domo to Vincent A. Ferri for the cool Kanji.
Samurai Appliance Repair Man, Mrs. Samurai, and our spawn.
Picture courtesy of Matushka Galina Tregubov. Thanks, Matushka!
Monday, December 3, 2007
BJ Bricker’s Restaurant, Claremont, NH
I just found out last Friday that I was going to this lunch. What a rare and unique opportunity to talk with an actual presidential candidate! And not just any candidate either; I was having lunch with the man who could very well become the next commander-in-chief.
As we were eating and making small talk, I waited for just the right moment to ask my question. Then, as the waitress was pouring more coffee for everyone, I got my chance.
“So, Dr. Paul,” I began in my best Perry Mason imitation, “I run an appliance repair website, Fixitnow.com, perhaps you’ve heard of it…?”
“No, never heard of it,” he answered.
“Oh well,” I replied, “your loss. Anyway, I get email from thousands of people everyday complaining about their broken appliances. What’s the gubmint gonna do about this?” I asked, indignantly.
“Do about what?” he asked back.
“‘About what?’ About all these broken appliances, that’s what!” I struggled to keep my voice down– I was *really* getting hot now. Was he dissin’ me?
Dr. Paul shot a puzzled glance to his campaign manager. I could tell by the expression on his face that he was thinking to himself, “Wow! This guy’s really good! How do I answer this?” Yep, I had him right where I wanted him.
But instead he said, “I don’t think the government has any business doing anything about yours or anyone else’s broken appliance appliances. Things break. If you get the government involved in it, they’ll just break more often, stay broken longer, and be more expensive to fix.”
“Yes, things break,” I replied with narrowing eyes, “and that’s exactly why we need gubmint to take over this vital issue because no one’s better at breaking things than the federal gubmint.” I paused for dramatic effect. Dr. Paul was looking at the other people seated at the table. “We need to create a new Department of Appliantology and elevate it to a cabinet-level position. Are you willing to create the new DOA for the Ameedican sheople, Dr. Paul?” I was smelling blood as I moved in for the kill.
“Department of Appliantology?” he was sounding a little irked now. “Are you on medication? I don’t even know what ‘appliantology’ is but I promise you this: your ‘Department of Appliantology’ truly is DOA. In fact, I’m going to hack back *all* the alphabet soup bureaucracy in Washington. If I’m elected, the IRS, DEA, BATF, CIA and many others are all going on the chopping block. The size and scope of the federal government will be slashed to a fraction of its present state.”
*SLAM* It was like someone cracking a two-by-four over my head at full swing. I literally jerked backwards and fell over in my chair onto the floor.
In an instant Dr. Paul, a gubmint-licensed physician, was kneeling beside me as I lay flat out on the floor. He checked my pulse and then turned to Mrs. Samurai.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Samurai, I should have seen it right away; it appears to be a case of cranial rectitis,” he said somberly. “I’ve been seeing it all over the country while campaigning.”
“Cranial rectitis?” Mrs. Samurai asked, her lips quivering slightly. “What is it, Doctor? Is there a cure? Can I get it from the toilet seat?”
“Cranial rectitis is where the victim’s head gets, well, let’s just say it’s not in the right place. The disease causes the victim to believe that he needs government in his life. The cure is to simply hear the message of liberty.”
Then he proceeded to explain that freedom is the birthright of every human being on the planet and that the only legitimate purpose of government is to secure and protect that natural freedom. He explained that the federal government today has become a predator and is herding us like cattle into a increasingly restrictive police state. They do this through the proven tactic of problem-reaction-solution: create or exaggerate a problem – whip up emotional reaction to the problem among the sheople – implement a government solution which always involves infringing on more personal freedoms.
As he spoke, I felt my head begin pulling out of my bottom. Slowly at first, then with increasing strength until it suddenly popped out like a cork shooting off a champagne bottle. I gulped in the air like a prisoner who just tunneled his way out of jail. I was cured; I was free man and I knew it!
Dr. Paul cured my cranial rectitis!
Popping sounds are going off all across the country. Catch the cure! Read more about the miracle cures of Dr. Ron Paul:
And be sure to send all your friends the Portable Refrigerator Repair Manual for a Thanksgiving present. 8)
Even in the best of circumstances, it can be a battle doing appliance repair. But in the inner cities of modern Ameedica, like Deetroit, it’s an all out war zone. Check out this appliance repair war story from my brother-at-arms in the The Craft, Da Detroit Kaveman:
I listened to one of your podcasts about customers from Hell. I’ve got a few. I had one customer who another tech had diagnosed a timer for his washer and I went out there to put the thing on. Man, this gets weird so hold on. Remember this is Deetroit, I arrived at about 8:30 in the A.M. and found the house in between two burned out homes, (very common in Detroit, neighbors burn them down so people don’t use deserted houses for crack houses), anyways, I got there and this guy starts walking towards the truck, he was a caucasin and had a police badge around his neck and a big gun around his waist, t-shirt, and dirty trousers. He says,” this is my parents house, right this way” So, I follow him in thru the front room where an elderly lady who had a pungent odor about her greeted me with,” hope you fix it today” I said Yes Maam.
Anyways, I go downstairs with this guy and this big, I mean big dog is by his side the whole way down barking at me like he wants me for his snack, the guy tells the dog to be quiet, but the dog doesn’t even listen, the guy gets me downstairs, dog, still barking really loud, he shows me the washer, and I suddenly felt an aroma of dog feces, that was slowing invading my whole being, I mean it was thick with hair of the dog, I look at the machine, the guy is standing behind me , I started to gag, and vomit at the same time, eyes watering.
Heres where it gets really wierd, the guy stands there gun, dog barking, dog poop, and thru my watering eyes and vomit filled mouth, I notice he is standing in front of about sixty dog cages filled with dogs, cages all stacked on top of each other, with feces all falling down on each other, horrible, about 8 high, and 15 long, if not more I guess eight times fifteen is more than sixty. It was like something out of a horror movie, the guy stood there as I started to run out before losing my wonderful breakfast of sausage, eggs, rye toast with extra butter. I walked very fast to my truck and as I was leaving the guys says, “whats wrong,” I say I’ll be right back . I called from the truck and told him he would have to make the place a little less smelly and that I had a weak stomach.
Truth is don’t know what was going on there, and I was afraid to report him to the police cause he was one. Weirdest call ever. I bet if you had a contest no one could top that one.
Your Brother Kaveman
Appliance Repair Lesson: ALWAYS have an escape plan when doing appliance service calls in the jungles of inner city Ameedica.
I would have bailed, too. And, personally, I would absolutely call the cops for the animal cruelty going on in that basement. It’s not too late to call ’em now!