Appliance Repair Wisdom for the Ages

Friday, February 18, 2005

Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry her former sixth-grade pupil with whom she had two children, months after her release from prison for raping him, according to an online bridal registry. Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, set a wedding date of April 16, according to their registry at a department store. Letourneau served 7 1/2 years on a 1997 conviction for raping Fualaau. [read more]

I'm sure they'll be absolutely blissful but I just wanted to ensure their continued happiness. So I channelled the spirit of Rumpus to reveal to me what lay in store for them. Rumpus showed me a newspaper article from three years in the future. Here it is:

Mary Kay Letourneau, 46, was found beaten to death on her living room carpet today. Vili Fualaau, 25, her husband, was found kneeling beside the puddle, covered in blood and gently rocking back and forth, holding a bloodied baseball bat. Fualaau was taken into custody and police report that he was unable to speak for several hours. Police report that Fualaau came to his senses enough to make a sworn statement:

"I was, like, rolling a big fatty when she started bitching at me again like she does. I'm not sure what happened next, 'cuz, like, I saw myself beating her into a hairy, lumpy paste. Next thing I know, the police are taking me away. Like, wassup with that?"

Fualaau was Letourneau's former sixth-grade pupil. The two began having sexual relations when he was 12 and she was 35. Letourneau served 7 1/2 years on a 1997 conviction for raping Fualaau. The couple married after Letourneau completed serving her prison term.

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