One of my cats, Lovey, is driving me insane with her nightly rodent gifts. It wouldn’t be so bad if she would at least kill them before bringing them into the house. But she insists that I eat them while they’re still writhing and squeeking. So, every night around 1 am, she brings me a live rodent snack. Live or dead, I’ve never been a big fan of eating rodents. But I don’t know how to tell Lovey this without hurting her feelings. Oh sure, I’ll still eat them when she brings them in because I don’t want her to think that her efforts are unappreciated. It’s the thought that counts…right?
The problem started when I finally installed a cat door after my wife had been nagging me about it for weeks. She was tired of Lovey waking her up several times during the night wanting to go out hunting. So we find ourselves in a situation where we have more rodents in the house because of a cat. The other night she brought in a live baby squirrel. It escaped under the dishwasher and went behind the wall where, presumably, it’s now happily chewing through sheet rock and live electrical wires. Last night, she brought in two field mice. I was able to catch them with gloved hands, wring their necks and pop them in my mouth before they escaped to other parts of the house.
It’s gotten so bad that I had a rodent nightmare last night. I heard a high-pitched rodent squeeking coming from the tool drawer in the kitchen. I pulled open the drawer to see a small squirrel raping a loudly protesting chipmunk. I pulled the brutish squirrel off the chipmunk and bit its head off. Then I ate the chipmunk. Chipmunks taste even worse than mice.
The solution to this sorry domestic situation is to send Lovey to Mousing School where she can learn how to kill the rodents she catches. I spent hours searching the internet for such a school but, alas, to no avail. If anyone knows of a mousing school for cats, please email me. Domo.
