To all you suicidal liberals still simpering after the repudiation you endured in the last election: you have a friend in J.D. Tuccile. He feels your pain and offers you an open and heartfelt invitation to join forces in taking America back.

Now, as for this new-found secessionist sentiment of yours and this talk of a looming civil war between progressive blue states and reactionary red states …

Ummm … are you sure you’re up to it?

It was all well and good when your side was running the show to sniff at the Second Amendment and say that the government should have a monopoly on force. You insisted that any talk of resisting the powers-that-be was just SO reactionary (you DO remember our little chat after the Waco unpleasantness, don’t you?). But the world looks a little bit different when the cops work for the opposition, doesn’t it? If you plan to redraw national borders, you’re going to want something of a heavier caliber than those sharply worded e-mails you’ve been circulating. Frankly, the other side is heavily armed; you’re not.

It’s OK. My friends and I are here to help. But we’ll have to come to an understanding. If we’re going to work together, you’re going to have to stop trying to shove your god down the throat of nonbelievers.

No, I don’t have you confused with Bob Jones. I know you call yourself an agnostic. But whatever you call yourself, just like the Bush supporters you worship an awesome god in whom you put all faith — and you think the rest of us should do the same. The Bushies call their god Jehovah and you call your god Government. As happy as I am to hear, yet again, about the sainted John F. Kennedy who died for our sins, I don’t plan on joining your church. Just as I’m unenthusiastic about coughing up a tithe to appease the other side’s Lord in Heaven, I don’t really hanker to make a cash sacrifice to your Lord in D.C.

So here’s the deal: If you agree to let me live my own life according to my own values, so long as I don’t trample on your rights, I’ll agree to do the same by you. Think about it; if we all lived according to that sort of understanding, the stakes would be an awful lot lower when your side lost an election. Then you could go about your business without taking time out to chat with immigration lawyers or draw maps with creative new borders on them. [read more]