Appliance Repair Wisdom for the Ages

Friday, April 04, 2003

*** EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT SAMURAI APPLIANCE REPAIR MAN. ***

Samurai Appliance Repair Man is live on-location here in downtown Baghdad, Iraq, doing an exclusive interview with Iraq's Maximum Leader, Saddam Hussein. As part of the condition for granting the interview, I have promised not to reveal our location here in the Presidential Suite of the Ali Baba Hotel on Sadoun Street.

Samurai: Good morning, Mr. Hussein. Many people in the western world are wondering if you are alive. Are you, in fact, alive?

Saddam: I am wondering if you would scream like a little girl if you were fed into my human shredder feet first. God is great.

Samurai: That raises an interesting question, Maximum Leader: what brand of women's undergarments do you prefer to wear: Victoria's Secret or Land's End?

Saddam: While I enjoy the Victoria's Secret garments for their titillating and naughty revelations, I find that the Land's End brand is more accommodating of my full figure and is more amenable to extended wear. Praise Allah.

Samurai: Excellent choice, El Presidentè! I see you have your TV tuned to Fox News so you've undoubtedly been watching the I-Hate-America parades in America with ghoulish satisfaction. How do these silly demonstrations affect your military policy?

Saddam: First, I would like to thank the Socialist Workers Party and the courageous intelligence officers of Iraq and North Korea who have worked tirelessly to organize these massive displays of Ameedican cowardice. These I-Hate-Ameedica parades, as you say, have boosted the moral of Iraq's glorious army and have greatly encouraged us to continue resisting the Great Satan until they withdraw their armies of mercenaries leaving Iraq a free and sovereign nation once more. Allah be praised.

Samurai: How are your hemorrhoids doing?

Saddam: They burn like the fires of Hell where I will send all the Ameedican infidels. Do you have any Preparation H?

Samurai: Here, this try this Capzasin HP. I hear it works wonders on hemorrhoids.

Saddam: Very good. Now go, and let me apply this in dignity.

Samurai: Thank you for your time, El Presidentè.

Outside the Ali Baba Hotel, the screams of Iraq's Maximum Leader trilled like a little girl throughout the streets of Baghdad. I disappeared through a crowd of astonished Iraqis to meet the Navy SEAL extraction team who will take me to CENTCOM for a de-briefing. Mission accomplished.

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