Appliance Repair Wisdom for the Ages

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

I make up lots of goofy stories for my kids. This is the one they most often ask me to re-tell. Tell it to your kids--they'll never look at you the same again.

Once upon a time, there were three eyeballs walking. Their names were Winky, Blinky, and Nod. They were on a long walk across the hot, dry desert. After a while, they got very thirsty and Winky turned to Blinky and said, "Blinky, I'm thirsty! Where's the beer?"

"I don't know," said Blinky and he turned to Nod, "Nod, we're thirsty! Where's the beer?"

"Uhh, I don't know," replied Nod, turning his big eyeball up to the sky and then down to the burning sands beneath them.

"But, Nod," exclaimed Winky, "it was your turn to carry the beer! What did you do with it?"

"Oh! THAT beer!" said Nod. "Uhh, well, uhh, I think I drank it," he confessed.

"You drank it!!" cried Winky and Blinky in unison. "Is there any left?" Winky asked.

"Uhh, lemme check...uhh, no," Nod said finally.

In a fit of rage, Winky and Blinky took a wooden stake and plunged it into Nod. Then they sucked on the fluid oozing out of Nod until he was just a flaccid sack of empty eyeball skin laying rumpled on the burning desert sands.

Afterwards, Winky and Blinky burped and then resumed their journey across the desert. At the other end of the desert, they found a huge face with three large pits lined with soft, moist pulp and they each jumped into a pit. As soon as they did that, the face blinked and the third pit turned into a mouth. The mouth took a breath and then the first man was formed. He rose up from the ground and immediately went off to look for beer.

And that's why we have only two eyeballs in our heads.

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