Appliance Repair Wisdom for the Ages

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

--- Julie Land wrote:
> 
> I have a Kenmore dryer-it's brown so it's old. The
> problem I'm having is with the door latch. We've
> secured it with magnets to get it to keep running,
> but now that's not working either. I've price the
> part, but want to know if this is something I can
> replace without a lot of bother. Or should I just
> call in a repairman? Or can you walk me through it?
> I bet you can! Please let me know how complicated it
> is so I'll know whether to order the part. Right now
> I'm debating on buying a new dryer-the husband is
> dragging his feet on that one! Thanks for your
> prompt answer.-Julie
> 
> _______________________________
> The above message was sent when you were offline,
> via your LivePerson site.
>  
> Message sent from IP: 67.195.79.74

You must be kidding--you would seriously consider replacing a dryer that needs a $5 part!? The door latch literally snaps in place--no tools required. Buy it here and spare our over-crowded landfills your otherwise perfectly-fine dryer. Fits most models, too.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Hello, my friends. I direct you to this priceless article from Hussein Shobokshi:

In his weekly telephone report, Paul Wolfowitz expressed his anxiety to Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister, about the situation in the Middle East. “How are you doing?” asked Wolfowitz. “OK, OK,” answered Sharon, "but you must go to Syria." Wolfowitz pondered, "this will be tougher to get the president's okay on." Sharon could not help but scream, "He does not know Damascus from Des Moines, Iowa. Move it Paul. You can always tell him that this man of peace thinks it's kosher," concluded Sharon with a hysterical laugh. read more...

And just so you don't think I made up the term "neocon," none other than the Washington Times has added this label to their lexicon to distinguish these vile imposters from Constitutional conservatives.

Check out the latest Liberty Buzz at Hodji's Scuttlebutt Café.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Indeed He is Risen! 21st Century Zenzoid Man shares some sound clips from the Paschal Liturgy Saturday night/Sunday morning at Holy Resurrection Orthodox Church in Claremont, NH. Check it out!

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Need more detailed or personalized help than what you're finding in the online appliance repair manuals or the appliance repair tips? The Samurai has you covered! You have two additional sources for expert appliance repair help:

• The Appliantology Group: Repair photos and a repair forum, too. Look through the photo albums and you might find a diagram that'll answer your question. And check out the repair forum. There are lots of questions posted there by other seekers of appliance wisdom just like you. You can also post your question in the forum and me or one of the other fine gurus there can help you. You need to join the group to post but membership is free and open to all.

• Live Appliance Repair Help: Need answers fast? You can get 'em right from the Samurai. If you see the face in the Live Person box, that means I'm online and available for real-time help. More info here.

Here's the list of the most energy-efficient appliances:

• Standard Refrigerators: Whirlpool 18.9 cf model number GR9SHKXKQ. Cost $879. Annual energy cost: $36.
• Large Refrigerators: Whirlpool 21.6 cf model number GR2SHTXKQ. Cost: $1,149. Annual energy cost: $39.
• Front-Loading Washers: Frigidaire Energy Star. Cost: $749. Annual energy cost: $21.
• Top-Loading Washers: Whirlpool Calypso model number GVW9959KQ. Cost: $943. Annual energy cost: $27.
• Dishwashers: Fisher & Paykel DishDrawer. Cost: $699 for single drawer model, $1,199 for double-drawer. Annual energy cost: $18.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

First off, I am a true pacifist: you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone; step on me and I'll cut yo ass, suckah. The "Don't Tread on Me" flag used in the American Revolution accurately portrays this truly pacifist sentiment.

Most of the weenies parading around today whining, "Like, no blood for oil, man, you know?" are really just socialist limp-dicks. Oh, how they wail and bemoan the use of military force (which is really just gubmint force) yet they're perfectly happy to use gubmint force to extort YOUR hard-earned money so they can use it for all sorts of bizarre socialist programs. Force is force. Hiding behind gubmint tax collectors to rob Peter so you can pay Paul is no different than hiding behind the gubmint military to go beat up on some other gubmint half-way around the globe.

You don't think taxation is force? Try not paying the Income Tax or your property taxes and see how long it takes before an armed gubmint representative comes to your home to "help you" pay the gubmint's tax bill. These weenies who eschew gubmint military violence yet applaud the economic violence that we are all victims of right here at home are really just wimps who think they're taking the moral high ground by condemning physical violence. In their hearts, they still seethe with violence and they express it by using the gubmint to bulley away the money that you and I earn. Down South, they have a good name for these people: wussies.

True pacifism begins with the recognition that gubmint is force, plain and simple. Unfortunately, it's also a necessary force because there will always be nabobs out there who want to deprive other people of their Liberty. The only legitimate role of gubmint is to secure Liberty. Period. Not "grant rights," not "create jobs," not engage in "liberation" conquests around the world, not "wealth redistribution," not providing for your medical expenses or retirement, not telling you what you can't do in your bedroom with any other consenting adult -- just secure Liberty right here at home. That means ensuring that I'm free to do whatever the hell I want to do so long as I do not infringe on the Liberty of someone else. As a true pacifist, I would not be tempted to do this anyway, but lots of control-freaks out there would. The only legitimate purpose for gubmint is to stop these meddlesome no-gooders. Yes, it's force, but it's a force that should be reactive, not proactive; passive rather than aggressive.

This same principle applies on a personal level. I will not seek to do anything that infringes on your Liberty so long as you don't step on me. But if you were to infringe on my Liberty by say, oh, I dunno, trying to kill me or my family, then I would respond by infringing on your Liberty with my Smith & Wesson 9mm automatic, or perhaps my Mossberg 12ga "Snake Charmer" loaded with 00 buck shot (I've always been partial to this weapon as a home defense tool). In true pacifist spirit, though, I would feel bad about it later...I hate paying federal taxes on ammunition.

Live Free or Die!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Y'know, back in my day, when someone was acting like a lobotomized twit, we'd say he was being a 'fag.' Like, "Hey! Pull that pencil out your nose, you look like a fag!" This was really A-list comedy to 12-year old boys. Yes, the heady days of my youth were filled with such cerebral humor. Funny how things come around again, only slightly different. Today, when kids do something stupid, they call it 'gay' -- and they're getting suspended from school for it!

Sunday, April 20, 2003

And now, from the producers of "Operation Iraqi Freedom,"
Neocon Productions proudly presents:

Operation Syrian Freedom

Coming soon to a 24-hour cable news station near you!

Cannon Fodder

"Syria is next,"
the Star commands the Eagle.
More goyim killed. So?

Pat Buchanan asks (and answers) a question I've been wondering: Whose War?:

A neoconservative clique seeks to ensnare our country in a series of wars that are not in America’s interest. read more...

Amerael

Iraq, Syria
threaten mainly Israel.
Dubya says, "Oy vey!"

And just who is this cabal of neoconservatives in the Bush administration that has us fighting all these wars? Here's a little Neocon 101:

"Neoconservatives" are mostly former leftists/liberals who converted to conservatism during the '70's and when Ronald Reagan became President. In domestic policy they tend to be moderate "welfare" Republicans. However, their major concern is foreign policy. They strongly favor US military interventions overseas and becoming the world’s policeman. They promoted the First Iraq War and are constantly the instigators for more confrontation with Iraq, Iran, the Sudan, and other Moslem states. They were among the chief instigators of the Kosovo War." read more...

Charlie Reese describes neocons this way:

"Neo-conservatives are really just reformed socialists who love Big Government."

Wasn't tax time great? Filling out all those forms telling Big Brother every little detail of your finances and seeing how much of the money you've earned gets extorted, er, I mean, collected by the IRS?

What? You didn't enjoy it? Well, you must be a damn pinko-commie! Where's your Amerikan patriotism? Don't you know we have lots and lots of wars to fight, you ingrateful leech? How dare you want to keep the money that you earn! What, you think it's, like, YOURS or something? Well cough it up 'til you spray blood, pal.

Here, maybe these fun facts to know and tell about the Income Tax will enlighten your mind which has obviously been dulled by too much Liberty.

Let Freedom Ring

Drug wars, Saddam wars,
Income Tax and gun control...
ahh, Land of the Free.

Friday, April 18, 2003

For Israel

Neocons conspire:
make the Eagle serve the Star.
"Iraqi Freedom"

Kissing Cousins

They bicker and fuss,
neocons and liberals.
A family feud.

Friday, April 11, 2003

The labels "liberal" and "conservative" have been so mis-applied that they've lost their meaning. For example, most people think of the Bush administration as being "conservative." This is simply not true and such labeling further confuses what conservatives, real conservatives, stand for. The political identity of the Bush administration is more akin to neoconservatives (or neocons). You can think of neocons as "liberals who've been mugged by reality." Doug Casey does a nice job of distinguishing the major political stripes in American politics today:

Libertarians share some practical views with both liberals (who have a purported belief in social and intellectual liberty), and conservatives (who claim to have a belief in economic liberty). Both liberals and conservatives, however, tend to dislike and distrust libertarians. The liberals feel threatened by libertarians' sincerely held views advocating economic freedom; the conservatives feel threatened by their sincerely held views advocating social and intellectual freedom.

The neocons tend to be the polar opposite of libertarians – they're authoritarians. They're like liberals because they believe in economic controls. And they're like conservatives because they believe in social and intellectual controls. The neocons believe they actually know what's best for everybody in all areas of life, and they're happy to use the power of the state to enforce their opinions.

An example might help illustrate these concepts and what better example than yourself? Take the World's Smallest Political Quiz and see where you fit in the political landscape. You might surprise yourself!

Thursday, April 10, 2003

The United States goes not abroad in search of monsters to destroy. She is a well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own. If the United States took up all foreign affairs, it would become entangled in all the wars of interest and intrigue, which assume the colors and usurp the standard of freedom. She might become the dictatress of the world. She would be no longer the ruler of her own soul.
--President John Quincy Adams, Independence Day Address, 1821

It always seemed curious to me that some of the loudest voices clamoring for war come from people who've never been in combat or even served in the military. And many people who've seen combat are often loathe to commit to war. Why is that? Ilana Mercer has an interesting take on these armchair warriors.

I went hiking today. It was so beautiful that I wanted to share it with you all. Happy trails!

Hiking up Kearsarge,
I met Spring's first mosquito.
Black schmear on my shirt.

Sunday, April 06, 2003

***** BEGIN SECURE TRANSMISSION *****

As many of you know, I do occasional free-lance work for the CIA. Sometime ago, the CIA requested that I do an assignment in Baghdad. I have decided to do my patriotic duty and serve my country by accepting this assignment. I boarded a chartered CIA jet a few days ago and flew directly to Baghdad International Airport.

My assignment had two phases. Phase I was posing as a journalist and conducting a Trojan horse interview with Saddam Hussein. Phase I complete. Phase II was gathering signal intelligence on the Fedayeen Saddam paramilitary units operating in Baghdad. Report on Phase II follows.

I'm here on the streets of Baghdad, Iraq. Skirmishes between various Iraqi fighters and American troops have been erupting throughout the day. The chatter of automatic weapons fire is often punctuated with the blood-curdling battle cry of the dreaded Fedayeen Saddam troops. It is said that no one who hears this fearsome battle cry ever lives to describe it. Using state-of-the-art electromagnetic audio imprinting techniques, I was able make this exclusive recording of the Fedayeen battle cry during live combat. Let's listen:

audblog audio post, click to listen

Scary stuff, yes, but isn't freedom worth it? This unique recording will enable our troops to distinguish the nefarious Fedayeen from other Iraqis, saving countless Iraqi and American lives. Mission accomplished. By the way, this information is highly classified--if you tell anyone about this, I will deny it.

I'm off to meet the Navy SEAL extraction team who will escort me to CENTCOM for a debriefing. If you don't hear from me for several days, assume the worst.

***** END SECURE TRANSMISSION *****

Saturday, April 05, 2003

As a little boy, Samurai Appliance Repair Man showed a strong talent for hardly anything. Even in school, he was at the top of his class in mediocrity. Later, when he was kidnapped by a marauding band of sheep, he developed other important life skills, especially making animal noises and licking himself. Those skills would serve him well after he returned to civilization in his career as a volunteer in government-sponsored mind control experiments. Unfortunately, both he and his government programmers would later suffer nervous breakdowns and become institutionalized.

After being released from the New Hampshire Institute for the Hopelessly Insane, Samurai Appliance Repair Man set out to build a self-help appliance repair website, suffering from delusions that broken appliances mock and dishonor him. Although still a very sick man, the Samurai does offer live, real-time help at his website. If you live in or near New London, New Hampshire, he also offers in-home appliance repair services.

Friday, April 04, 2003

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts.
-- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langle

*** EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT SAMURAI APPLIANCE REPAIR MAN. ***

Samurai Appliance Repair Man is live on-location here in downtown Baghdad, Iraq, doing an exclusive interview with Iraq's Maximum Leader, Saddam Hussein. As part of the condition for granting the interview, I have promised not to reveal our location here in the Presidential Suite of the Ali Baba Hotel on Sadoun Street.

Samurai: Good morning, Mr. Hussein. Many people in the western world are wondering if you are alive. Are you, in fact, alive?

Saddam: I am wondering if you would scream like a little girl if you were fed into my human shredder feet first. God is great.

Samurai: That raises an interesting question, Maximum Leader: what brand of women's undergarments do you prefer to wear: Victoria's Secret or Land's End?

Saddam: While I enjoy the Victoria's Secret garments for their titillating and naughty revelations, I find that the Land's End brand is more accommodating of my full figure and is more amenable to extended wear. Praise Allah.

Samurai: Excellent choice, El Presidentè! I see you have your TV tuned to Fox News so you've undoubtedly been watching the I-Hate-America parades in America with ghoulish satisfaction. How do these silly demonstrations affect your military policy?

Saddam: First, I would like to thank the Socialist Workers Party and the courageous intelligence officers of Iraq and North Korea who have worked tirelessly to organize these massive displays of Ameedican cowardice. These I-Hate-Ameedica parades, as you say, have boosted the moral of Iraq's glorious army and have greatly encouraged us to continue resisting the Great Satan until they withdraw their armies of mercenaries leaving Iraq a free and sovereign nation once more. Allah be praised.

Samurai: How are your hemorrhoids doing?

Saddam: They burn like the fires of Hell where I will send all the Ameedican infidels. Do you have any Preparation H?

Samurai: Here, this try this Capzasin HP. I hear it works wonders on hemorrhoids.

Saddam: Very good. Now go, and let me apply this in dignity.

Samurai: Thank you for your time, El Presidentè.

Outside the Ali Baba Hotel, the screams of Iraq's Maximum Leader trilled like a little girl throughout the streets of Baghdad. I disappeared through a crowd of astonished Iraqis to meet the Navy SEAL extraction team who will take me to CENTCOM for a de-briefing. Mission accomplished.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence—it is a force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master; never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.
-- attributed to George Washington (possibly apocryphal but doesn't matter, it's still a good quote)

Government, in its last analysis, is organized force.
-- Woodrow Wilson

Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. Government, like dress, is the badge of lost innocence...
-- Thomas Paine, Common Sense, (1776), Chap. 1.

Fox News just showed another "I Hate America" parade in some arm-pit American city. You know the ones: all those pious souls supposedly protesting the war in Iraq. Earlier, I saw a bunch of talking heads condemning the protestors and talking about how great the war is going. But did you know that all this is just a good, old-fashioned family feud? Yep, both sides are just two different brands of liberals: neo-conservatives (neo-cons) and socialists.

Neo-cons parade under the party label of Republican and are advocates of global Big Brother. They believe it's America's duty to play globocop and are the new-found buddies of the military-industrial complex. Socialists, parading under the party label of Democrat, are the same old bed-wetting liberals who don't like or understand the military but believe that the money you earn belongs to the government (which I'll call "gubmint" because it's more fun) to use on all sorts of bizarre social programs. Both want Big Gubmint to implement their agendas. They both agree that gubmint force is a good thing, but they disagree on how best to apply that force. Their disagreements are not ideological but tactical. As much as they bicker and argue with each other, they are actually two sides of the same coin--the gubmint's coin.

There is another coin to choose and that is the coin of Liberty or self-gubmint (whoa! what a concept!). Let me compare and contrast the fundamentally divergent views of gubmint between the neo-con and socialist advocates of Big Gubmint on the one hand, to the Samurai's enlightened view of self-gubmint.

Since the Samurai is omniscient (and he knows it), he sees the essential paradox of gubmint as a voracious consumer of the very liberties it is meant to secure. Gubmint is fundamentally evil but necessary because of our brutish nature. The necessity of gubmint is just another sign that we live in a broken world, it's "the badge of lost innocence." Nevertheless, gubmint is a beast that must be continually hamstrung.

Neo-cons (Republicans) see gubmint as fundamentally good, provided it does the things they want it to, like beating up other gubmints that they view as bad. This satisfies their sense of moral outrage and makes them feel good. Ideologically, they are kissing cousins with socialists (Democrats) who also see gubmint as fundamentally good, provided it does nice liberal things like steal from "the rich" and give to "the poor." This satisfies their sense of moral outrage (which they call "social justice") and makes socialists feel good.

In summary:

The Samurai: Gubmint bad

Neo-cons and socialists: Gubmint good

So, in the enlightened view of the Samurai, fighting a war against a particular gubmint so that a different gubmint can be installed is just the same old treadmill. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. If it's not one war, it's another. There's no end to the number of reasons, all very high and mighty sounding, that gubmints can conjure up to justify going to war. Gubmints fight wars 'cause that's what gubmints do and that's what they've always done. The Samurai knows better than to get sucked into their crap...and now you do, too.

Now that you've been enlightened on the ways of Liberty, share the light: go ye forth and make disciples of all nations. And stop being a butt-boy for the gubmint.

Live Free or Die!

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

I make up lots of goofy stories for my kids. This is the one they most often ask me to re-tell. Tell it to your kids--they'll never look at you the same again.

Once upon a time, there were three eyeballs walking. Their names were Winky, Blinky, and Nod. They were on a long walk across the hot, dry desert. After a while, they got very thirsty and Winky turned to Blinky and said, "Blinky, I'm thirsty! Where's the beer?"

"I don't know," said Blinky and he turned to Nod, "Nod, we're thirsty! Where's the beer?"

"Uhh, I don't know," replied Nod, turning his big eyeball up to the sky and then down to the burning sands beneath them.

"But, Nod," exclaimed Winky, "it was your turn to carry the beer! What did you do with it?"

"Oh! THAT beer!" said Nod. "Uhh, well, uhh, I think I drank it," he confessed.

"You drank it!!" cried Winky and Blinky in unison. "Is there any left?" Winky asked.

"Uhh, lemme check...uhh, no," Nod said finally.

In a fit of rage, Winky and Blinky took a wooden stake and plunged it into Nod. Then they sucked on the fluid oozing out of Nod until he was just a flaccid sack of empty eyeball skin laying rumpled on the burning desert sands.

Afterwards, Winky and Blinky burped and then resumed their journey across the desert. At the other end of the desert, they found a huge face with three large pits lined with soft, moist pulp and they each jumped into a pit. As soon as they did that, the face blinked and the third pit turned into a mouth. The mouth took a breath and then the first man was formed. He rose up from the ground and immediately went off to look for beer.

And that's why we have only two eyeballs in our heads.