As many of you know from reading the Samurai’s bio, I was kidnapped by a marauding band of sheep when I was a young whelp. I know: it sounds like a traumatic ordeal for a young, delicate flower of a boy to endure. And it was. But, looking back, I see it now as a positive experience that taught me many valuable life-skills, such as making animal noises and licking myself, which served me well upon my return to humanization.

Unquestionably, the most important way I benefitted from living with a bandit sheep herd was in winning the affections of Mrs. Samurai. Had I not lived immersed in that flock all those years, raised as one of their own, I would never have sung that momentous love sonnet to Mrs. Samurai that won me her heart. Let’s listen:

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