What Brand of Kitchen and Laundry Appliances Would the Samurai Buy?

John wrote:

I need to buy all new kitchen and laundry appliances. Which brand would you stick with (Samsung, LG, Whirlpool, Maytag). I am looking for a frenchdoor and all appliances should match…Stainless too.



Let us open our Appliantology hymnals to the Second Law of the Prophecy wherein it is written, “All appliances break.” With this wisdom firmly implanted in that muck betwixt our ears, we begin to see your question from a new perspective.

Like so many propagandized Ameedicans victimized by the slick marketing campaigns assaulting us in the corporate media organs, we see that you have placed aesthetics ahead of practical considerations, such as repairability. In other words, you have placed more importance on form over function, exactly as you have been programmed to do as a good little consumer.

But fear not, my mushy-headed grasshopper, for the Samurai is here to break the spell that the marketing wizards have placed you under. Lo, with his mighty katana, he shall cut asunder the chains of your programming and free you from the trap of mindless consumerism! Let us begin by re-phrasing your question in the way the Samurai would ax it, “Knowing that all modern appliance brands and models are mediocre at best and that all fall short of the glory of the Samurai, which piece of junk am I going to have the easiest time fixing?”

Ahh, Grasshoppah, now you’re beginning to pierce the veil and to do what we professional appliantologists call, “critical thinking.” Using this new, enlightened paradigm, which emphasizes function over form and recognizes the Second Law of the Prophecy, the question further reduces to, “Which appliance manufacturers make their service manuals and technical bulletins freely and readily available to professional appliantologists as well as Joe Do-it-yourselfer?” Eggzellent question, my querying grasshoppah, domo fer axin’!

Currently, there are only three brands which make their service information freely available: Whirlpool (which includes Kitchenaid, Roper, and Maytag brands), Frigidaire (which includes Electrolux brands), and Dacor (which includes, well, just Dacor). Emphasis on the word, “currently” because Whirlpool is considering restricting access to their technical information to professional appliantologists only– you can thank the over-abundance of lawyers and the bidness-killing tort system in Ameedica for that.

At the other end of the information spectrum are companies that are very restrictive with their technical service information and, for that reason, I would never even consider buying their stuff. The worst offenders in the infowar are Viking and GE. In the case of Viking, they’re not only tight-fisted with their service manuals, but their ranges are the shoddiest on the market. And you get to pay a premium price tag just to have the “Viking” badge in your kitchen. Viking is the poster boy of what I mean by placing form over function.

Awwite, armed with this sacred wisdom and enlightened perspective, gird up thy loins and go git ’em!


One thought on “What Brand of Kitchen and Laundry Appliances Would the Samurai Buy?

  1. Samurai Appliance Repair Man

    UPDATE: As of May 4, 2010, Friggidaire, a.k.a, Electrosux, no longer allows access to their tech site unless you’re an “authorized servicer,” i.e., have signed a sucker’s contract with them to go fix their factory eff-ups for a slave’s wage. Scratch them from the list of recommended brands based on access to service info. Fugg you, Friggidaire!

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