You have described the classic symptoms of a burnt-out spark module. The spark ignition switches are the little switches attached to the knob of each surface burner. If the spark module won’t spark no matter which surface burner switch you turn on, then the spark module is the problem. The seminal reference on this subject, which you mentioned, is my illuminating Appliantology article, How to Troubleshoot a Gas Stove that Won’t Fire Up–this is recommended reading for anyone working on gas stove ignition problems.

Your range will use one of the two spark modules shown here. Just look at your existing module and match it to the one you need. Spark modules are easy to replace and usually rate only a single mug on the SUDS-o-meter scale of appliance repair difficulty.

You pose an interesting conundrum: spend money on the spark module to fix the stove or just light the burners with matches and use the money to buy beer. It’s a tough one, I know–I faced exactly the same dilemma at my house. My wife wrote a haiku about it:

My husband loves beer.
Too drunk to fix spark module.
Click click click click click.

I ran out of beer one morning and, in a rare, lucid moment, replaced the spark module. Then she wrote me this haiku:

My sweet honey pie,
my love for you knows no bounds
‘cept five seven five.

And she proved it by buying me a six-pack. Now that’s true love!