As many of you know from reading the Samurai’s bio, I was kidnapped by a marauding band of sheep when I was a young whelp. I know: it sounds like a traumatic ordeal for a young, delicate flower of a boy to endure. And it was. But, looking back, I see it now as a positive experience that taught me many valuable life-skills, such as making animal noises and licking myself, which served me well upon my return to humanization.
Unquestionably, the most important way I benefitted from living with a bandit sheep herd was in winning the affections of Mrs. Samurai. Had I not lived immersed in that flock all those years, raised as one of their own, I would never have sung that momentous love sonnet to Mrs. Samurai that won me her heart. Let’s listen:
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As a little boy, Samurai Appliance Repair Man showed a strong talent for hardly anything. Even in school, he was at the top of his class in mediocrity. Later, when he was kidnapped by a marauding band of sheep, he developed other important life skills, especially making animal noises and licking himself. Those skills would serve him well after he returned to civilization in his career as a volunteer in government-sponsored mind control experiments. Unfortunately, both he and his government programmers would later suffer nervous breakdowns and become institutionalized.