Get ’em here.

Send a Genuine Christmas e-Card Today

Tired of sifting through the myriad trite or sappy “Christmas” e-cards out there to send to your loved ones? Well, Grasshopper, your quest is at an end. Check out these classic, original and genuine Christmas e-cards from IconMotif.com commemorating the exalted and mystical message of Christmas. All artwork is 100% original and it’s FREE. Send one today.

Merry Christmas!

The Samurai’s reproductive units and semper fi canine unit join him and Mrs. Samurai in wishing all his faithful grasshoppers a Merry Christmas. After you’ve racked up a MasterCard bill that you’ll spend most of 2003 paying off, try to remember that, despite its pagan origins and modern materialism, Christmas is supposed to be about remembering the birth of Jesus Christ, the Saviour of us all. (Yes, Mohammed, even in your sad delusion, He’s your Saviour, too.)

Have a merry one and may all your appliances function within design parameters.

Hillstomping Update: Mts. Welch and Dickey

Been a while since I’ve done a Hillstomping Update. Been a while since I’ve done some serious hillstomping. A couple weeks ago, my semper fi canine hiking bud, Ouzo, and I had a superlative winter hillstomp up Mts. Welch and Dickey in Waterville Valley. Perfect day, clear skies, temp in the upper 20’s. You can check out all the pics from this trip here.

Reasonable Thoughts for Reasonable People

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
4. I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
6. I have my own little world. But it’s OK… they know me here.

7. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for my birthday… I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade in value.

12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.

13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades… now THAT’S a message!

14. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

20. Welcome to %$#% Creek – Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

21. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

The Guru’s Lair

Since announcing the grand opening of my new service offering fine, custom-made gaskets for the discriminating commercial kitchen, I’ve been deluged by email from devoted grasshoppers asking to see pictures of my new award-winning gasket manufacturing operation. Well, there ya go, budrow. Click the thumbnail for a bigger view.

And in case you’re interested, here’s a shot of my office, where all the webmagic happens.

Ok, peep show’s over. Go back to what you were doing.

Small Appliance Repair

Toaster not toasting? Mixer not mixing? Scrotum scrubber not scrubbing? Try the Small Appliance shop at Amazon.com.

Web Wankin’

I run several other websites besides this one so I’ve learned a thing or two about web services and tools. You need a good domain registrar and website host so people can get to your site. And you need good site-building tools if you’re going have something for ’em to see once they get there. Here, now, the Samurai will share his hard-won web wisdom with his precious grasshoppers. Y’all grab a beer and gather ’round.

Domain Registrars

There’s a bewildering array of registrar choices out there, all with varying prices and services. What’s a grasshopper to do? Depends on how valuable your website is. Does the site make any money or pay for itself or is it just a goof site? If the website generates any revenue at all, there’s only one choice in registrars: Verisign. I know, I know, I’ve heard all the horror stories and I’ve had a few myself but they ain’t going out of bidness next week or next year. Can you be so sure about some of these other registrars like AAArealfrikkincheapdomains.com? Would you trust your domain name to a web bidness that’s just hanging on by a shoestring and a prayer? On the other hand, if yours is just a goof site, and I’ve got a few of those myself, then save a few shekels and shop around for the el-cheapo registrar. My favorite of the el-cheapo’s is DotYou.com. Avoid NameObscure.com–too many glitches. I had some domains with them and each day I had to deal with the glitch du jour. Ok, enough about registrars.

Website Hosts

This is the next most crucial player in your website. I’ve been through a bunch of ’em, too–the good, the bad, and the ugly. I learned the hard way: when it comes to hosting, support is the numero uno criteria for selection. Price is only a secondary concern. For most of the past year, Bluedomino.com has been the web host for Fixitnow.com and they are mucho supremo grande! They have 24/7 LIVE tech support right at their website via Live Person–like what I have at my website except you ain’t gonna get me 24/7. All webhosts will occasionally have technical glitches, that just comes with the territory, lot’s of stuff to break down, dontcha know. What makes the difference is how they deal with it. I’ve talked to those guys at Bluedomino at 3 am and on a Sunday live, at their website. Problem handled, or at least I knew what was going on. In contrast, when Yahoo was my webhost, there was frequent prolonged downtime, and absolutely no technical support, certainly not live.

Website Building Tools

CoffeeCup Software, the parent company of Bluedomino, has the best overall package deal going in website building software, especially their flagship product, CoffeeCup HTML editor. You can download the software from their website and try it out before you buy it.

Last tip: if you’re just running a goof site, host it for free on one of the many free servers available. My favorite is Tripod. Then, if you think of a cool domain name, register it at DotYou.com where you can forward your domain URL to your Tripod site. If you already have a domain registered somewhere, you can use Redirection.net to forward your cool URL to your website.

Cool Tools

Nice banner, even better website software. I use them to build and maintain this site. Come git you some:

Don’t Touch!

So yesterday the toilet in the hallway stopped up…again! One of the kids likes to use most of a full roll of toilet paper after their constitutional. After they finish, toilet paper is heaping up out of the water in the toilet, still dry. I haven’t figured out who the culprit is and they’re not talking, either. Anyway, I tried to plunger the whole mess down, must have fought with it for half an hour. No go. So, I roll up my shirt sleeve and I’m just about to take the Nestea plunge when my wife screams, “STOP!” I mean, my bare hand was mere centimeters from the toxic waste in the toilet bowl when she screamed.

“What?” I yell back, “I’m just gonna scoop out some of the poopy to clear the toilet. What’s the problem?”

“Let’s try this stuff and see how well it works,” she says, holding up a jar of Biodegreat.

So she sprinkles in a couple teaspoons, let is sit for a few hours and, WALLA! the toilet flushes without having to get any poopy under my fingernails. In fact, it flushes better that it ever has. Apparently, it has enzymes that love to eat the nasty, slimy stuff growing in dark, wet drains.

Isn’t it worth spending a few shekels on Biodegreat to avoid sticking your arm into the toilet?

Appliance Tip of the Day: Custom Made Gaskets for Commercial Refrigeration

Got gasket problems? You already know that bad gaskets in your commercial kitchen can cause a whole host of problems including:

• Losing all that cold air you already paid so much to produce which makes your compressor run longer to maintain temperature resulting in costly premature compressor failures.
• Since your compressor needs to run more, you’re also paying higher power bills than you need to.
• Cracked gaskets pose a health hazard by providing an ideal, hard-to-clean breeding ground for salmonella and other disease causing microorganisms.

Replacing gaskets can be extremely expensive and you may have to wait weeks for the installation to be completed. Even then, the replacement gasket is usually far less than perfect because the gaskets are shipped folded and twisted and it’s almost impossible to get all the creases out of the newly installed gasket. What’s a commercial kitchen to do?

Call Mr. Appliance! We are experts at crafting custom-made gaskets for commercial refrigeration equipment. And we can do it fast and at reasonable prices. When you call us, we will:

• Perform a free, no obligation inspection of your refrigerator and freezer gaskets, followed by a detailed estimate of repairs. All repairs are flat rate, not hourly, saving you money.
• Return within 24 – 48 hours with custom-sized, perfectly fitting, OEM* gaskets (no folds like you typically get from factory shipments).
• Make minor repairs to your doors and hinges.
• Guarantee the installation for a full 90 days.

* We use only Original Equipment
Manufacturer (OEM) gaskets to ensure a good fit every time. Be aware that
general purpose, one-size-fits-all gaskets just do not work.

Here are just a few of the manufacturer’s brands we service:

Anthony, Ardco, Bally, Barr, Bastian Blessing, Beverage Air, Bohn, Carter-Hoffman, Continental, Delfield, Duke, Elliott-Williams, Federal, Foster, Glenco/Star Metal, Hobart/Koch, Howard/McCray, Hussman, Jordon/Fogel, Kelvinator, Kolpak/McCall, Leer, Master-Bilt, McQuay, Milgali, Nor-Lake, Norris, Northland, Perlick, Pinnacle,Progressive, Randell, Russell, Schaefer, Silver King, Stanley-Knight, Styleline, Sub-Zero, Tafco, Traulsen, True, Tyler, U-Line, Universal Nolin, Utolity, Verring/DeVille, Victory/Raetone, Vollrath, Vulcan, Hart, Zero Zone

To make all your gasket headaches go away, call or email me today!

The Appliantology Group

I’ve finally gotten around to reincarnating the Appliantology group in MSN groups after previously terminating it Yahoo Groups. You can join the new Appliantology group using the form below:

I’m Not Dead…Yet

Man, I gotta hand it to those terrorists: they did a good job when they made this virus I’ve got. It’s sneaky–just when I think I’m getting better, it sucker punches me, leaving me writhing like a purple worm on a hot road and gagging into the puke bucket.

I haven’t been much fun to be around or to look at.

I want you to memorize these five words and repeat them to yourself like a mantra, “I want my smallpox vaccine.” That’s going to be the epitaph on my tombstone. Live footage from Hell coming soon.