Everyday, my inbox is jammed with thousands of emails from hopeful souls all over the world pleading and begging for an apprenticeship opportunity with the Samurai. The reason is obvious: a successful apprenticeship with the Fermented Grand Master of Appliantology and the world’s one and only 33rd-degree black belt in Fixite Do is a sure ticket to a successful and lucrative career as a certifiable appliance repair technician. However, due to time constraints, I can only accept two apprentices at any one time.

Currently, my two Samurai Apprentices are Zoltan (age 12) and Osama bin Fahrtin (age 10). And since they’re also my spawn, they’ll be apprenticing with me for the next six to eight years. However, they’ve prepared the following progress reports to give you, the abnormally hopeful candidate, a taste of the magic and glory of apprenticing with the Samurai.

Samurai Apprentice Zoltan offers this summary of his apprenticeship:

Konnichiwa, I will now tell you the great honor of working with the Samurai.

First, you must train yourself in tool-to-hand combat, or in other words you must know where his tools are, and when to hand them to him.

Secondly, the tool-bearer must keep the Samurai’s tools clean and in their place, for the Samurai does not tolerate fools.

Thirdly, you must be able to deal with customers. Some customers are honored to have the Samurai in their humble abode; some treat him like a parts changing monkey.

So you must always be ready for battle when the Samurai gets a call from someone who wants him to lay on dirty floors and fix stinking appliances. Now I must go, for my master needs a socket wrench. Sayonara.

And Samurai Apprentice Osama bin Fahrtin offers this troika of haikus about the types of customers he’s met while on service calls with the Samurai:

Some people are weird:
creepy, dirty, scary like
“Tales from the Dark Side.”

A few are cheesedorks,
Complaining about his fee.
They shall taste his blade!

Cheerful and friendly:
This is the best customer,
They do not complain.