The next time you feel like God can’t use you, just remember . . .

NOAH was a drunk.

ABRAHAM was too old.

ISAAC was a daydreamer.

JACOB was a liar.

LEAH was ugly.

JOSEPH was abused.

MOSES had a stuttering problem.

GIDEON was afraid.

SAMSON was a long-haired womanizer!

RAHAB was a prostitute!

JEREMIAH and TIMOTHY were too young.

DAVID had an affair and was a murderer.

ELIJAH was suicidal.

ISAIAH preached naked.

JONAH ran from God.

NAOMI was a widow.

JOB went bankrupt.

JOHN the Baptist ate bugs.

PETER denied Christ.

The Disciples fell asleep while praying.

MARTHA worried about everything.

The SAMARITAN WOMAN was divorced … more than once!

ZACCHEUS was too small.

PAUL was too religious.

TIMOTHY had an ulcer … AND

LAZARUS WAS DEAD!

No more excuses now!
God’s waiting to use your full potential.

(Shamelessly stolen from the Orthodox Christianity group.)

Thank you, Jorge, for your thought-provoking email. I offer the following comments in the hopes you might find them helpful.

If one examines postconstructive desituationism, one is faced with a choice: either accept the textual paradigm of discourse or conclude that government is capable of truth, but only if nihilism is invalid; otherwise, art is impossible. Thus, Debord’s model of cultural capitalism holds that culture serves to reinforce outmoded, sexist perceptions of art. The subject is interpolated into a predeconstructive theory that includes narrativity as a paradox.

It could be said that the premise of the deconstructivist paradigm of reality holds that government is a legal fiction, but only if language is interchangeable with sexuality; otherwise, we can assume that art is capable of social comment. The subject is interpolated into a predeconstructive theory that includes language as a totality.

So, in summary, the answer to your question is ’27’ but only on Thursdays.

By the way, I don’t speak or read Spanish, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Y’know, back in my day, when someone was acting like a lobotomized twit, we’d say he was being a ‘fag.’ Like, "Hey! Pull that pencil out your nose, you look like a fag!" This was really A-list comedy to 12-year old boys. Yes, the heady days of my youth were filled with such cerebral humor. Funny how things come around again, only slightly different. Today, when kids do something stupid, they call it ‘gay’ — and they’re getting suspended from school for it!

I make up lots of goofy stories for my kids. This is the one they most often ask me to re-tell. Tell it to your kids–they’ll never look at you the same again.

---

Once upon a time, there were three eyeballs walking. Their names were Winky, Blinky, and Nod. They were on a long walk across the hot, dry desert. After a while, they got very thirsty and Winky turned to Blinky and said, "Blinky, I’m thirsty! Where’s the beer?"

"I don’t know," said Blinky and he turned to Nod, "Nod, we’re thirsty! Where’s the beer?"

"Uhh, I don’t know," replied Nod, turning his big eyeball up to the sky and then down to the burning sands beneath them.

"But, Nod," exclaimed Winky, "it was your turn to carry the beer! What did you do with it?"

"Oh! THAT beer!" said Nod. "Uhh, well, uhh, I think I drank it," he confessed.

"You drank it!!" cried Winky and Blinky in unison. "Is there any left?" Winky asked.

"Uhh, lemme check…uhh, no," Nod said finally.

In a fit of rage, Winky and Blinky took a wooden stake and plunged it into Nod. Then they sucked on the fluid oozing out of Nod until he was just a flaccid sack of empty eyeball skin laying rumpled on the burning desert sands.

Afterwards, Winky and Blinky burped and then resumed their journey across the desert. At the other end of the desert, they found a huge face with three large pits lined with soft, moist pulp and they each jumped into a pit. As soon as they did that, the face blinked and the third pit turned into a mouth. The mouth took a breath and then the first man was formed. He rose up from the ground and immediately went off to look for beer.

And that’s why we have only two eyeballs in our heads.

So you’ve heard of slamming, right? That’s where a phone company comes along and takes over your long distance service without you knowing it and then slams you with an whopping phone bill. Well, look out, there’s a newer, slimier practice emerging among phone companies called casual billing.

Casual billing is similar to slamming in that you get billed for services from another long distance carrier. But the difference is that they don’t switch you over permanently, they just bill you at outrageous rates for a few calls and their charges appear on your local phone bill.

MCI did this to me recently. I made four long distance faxes on our business phone, connect time of about 15 seconds each, and they charged me $5 per fax! When I called MCI, the trained liar I talked to said that it was because the calls were randomly assigned to a long distance carrier by my local phone company (Verizon) and the calls were charged at market rates because I wasn’t on a calling plan and, oh by the way, would I like to sign up? Smelling fecal matter, I told her that if MCI was going to screw me like that, I better at least get a kiss. Then I called Verizon. They confirmed that what the trained liar at MCI told me was a load of horse $hit and they deleted the charge. If MCI wants the money, they have to come after me directly instead of weaseling it through Verizon. With business practices like that, is it any wonder that MCI/Worldcom went bankrupt?

Look over your phone bill carefully. You have been warned.

Dear God,

Please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

Ginny

Dear God,

Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You
can look it up.

Joyce

Dear Mr. God,

I wish you would not make it so easy for people to
come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Janet

Dear God,

If we come back as something, please don’t let me be
Jennifer Horton – because I hate her.

Denise

Dear God,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope you will
not hurt him anyway.

Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God,

I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will
tell me.

Love, Alison

Dear God,

How did you know you were God?

Charlene

Dear God,

Is it true my dad won’t get in Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in
the house?

Anita

Dear God,

I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody
in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear God:

Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto
You, because if you did then I’m going to fix my
brother.

Darla

Dear God,

I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of
them. You really made up some good ones.

Glenn

Dear God,

My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little
boy. How far back do you go?

Love, Dennis

Dear God,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear God,

It’s o.k. that you made different religions, but don’t
you get mixed up sometimes?

Arnold

Dear God,

Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it
an accident?

Norma

Dear God,

In bible times did they really talk that fancy?

Jennifer

Dear God,

What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you
had everything.

Jane

Dear God,

How come you did all those miracles in the old days
and don’t do any now?

Seymour

Dear God,

Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this
year.

Peter

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear God,

I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet.
Don’t forget.

Mark

Dear God,

You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both
ways.

Dean

Dear God,

My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t
sound right.

Marsha

Dear God,

If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my
new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear God,

Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know
him through business?

Donny

Dear God,

In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it
when you are on Vacation?

Jane

Dear God,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday
School, they said you did it.
So I bet he stoled your Idea.

Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I
just want you to know but I am not just saying that
because you are God.

Charles

Dear God,

It is great the way you always get the Stars in the
right places.

Jeff

Dear God,

I am doing the best I can.

Frank

Dear God,

I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was Cool.

David

My cousins in Michigan emailed me this. I like it. Enjoy.

---

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;

it isn’t granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own!

But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me love others, as much as He loves me.

God said…Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

THIS DAY IS YOURS, DON’T THROW IT AWAY