Samurai on the Road, Act I
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Category Archives: Samurai Incarnate
Appliance Service Calls
I’ve always had a bushy head of hair and I usually don’t bother trimming my beard. So, this is how I used to look when I’d go out for a service call:
But I starting thinking maybe I was scaring my customers. I dunno, little things, like I go up to the house and knock on the door and they’d answer with a shotgun in their hands. So, I figgered I better git me a hair cut and now I look like this:
And would you believe that when I go out on service calls, I still get people answering the door armed!? That’s what I love about this bidness–there’s just no telling what people will do!
Beer Drinking Update
I dunno, she looked pretty fine when I was slamming down the suds last night at the brew pub.
Live Help Update
I was talking to a grasshopper on live chat the other night and he told me to tell my boss that I was doing a great job. So I shuffled upstairs to my wife and said, "Great job, Hon."
I’ve talked to several other people on chat who think Fixitnow.com is a high-budget operation with a staff of technicians and webmasters. I don’t know if that means I’m doing a good job or not. The truth is that this entire website, every little typo, every poorly-formed sentence, and all the pages you sift through looking for pearls of appliance wisdom are crafted by my boney fingers, and mine alone, and it all happens down in my basement. Yep, just little ol’ me down in my damp, dark basement, all alone. I’ve spent thousands of hours down here working on this website making it a comprehensive, useful, easy-to-use, and most of all, fun place for you to come and learn how to fix your appliances.
As for the budget, that comes from Beer Fund donations, which have been far too little to justify the time I’ve spent away from my family to work on this website. It’s amazing: people won’t think twice about shelling out a few bucks for an album or tickets to a movie, but somehow think that good, convenient appliance repair help should be free, "’cuz it’s on the innernet, an’ all." I can’t count the number of people who, when I absolutely nailed their appliance problem on live help, were very thankful, promised to donate to the Beer Fund, but never did. If I could pay real-world expenses on empty promises, I’d be living in a mansion right now.
But these fiscal challenges have created an excellent opportunity for me to develop a cool new program here at Fixitnow.com: Live Appliance Repair Consultations. I think it’s a great way for you to get personal, immediate help fixing your appliances while helping to ensure that I can meet my on-going operating expenses. Check it out.
"But wait," you cry, "I thought this website was supposed to be free?" To misquote the late, great Plato, "What is free, Phaedrus, and what is not? Need we anyone tell us these things?" Yes, the vast repository of appliance wisdom here at Fixitnow.com will continue to be freely available to all seekers of appliance wisdom. This includes the Online Repair Manuals, the accumulated wisdom in Moostafa’s Mecca of Appliance Repair and the many resources available at the Appliantology group, such as the repair photos and the help forum. But personal, live appliance repair consultation with me should certainly be worth a very modest, even ridiculously low consulting fee. The consulting fee is on a per-issue basis, so if you pay for a consultation on your dishwasher and you later need help with your dryer, it’s a separate fee. On the other hand, if it takes 27 chat sessions to solve your problem, there’s no additional charge–one fee covers one problem until it’s whipped.
And just what makes me so special that I think I can charge for advice? Well, I could start thumping my chest about my two engineering degrees and years of appliance repair experience but, honestly, I think that’s a little crass. The fact is that I have real-world, valuable appliance repair knowledge and I can absolutely help you fix it yourself, either through the free resources available on my website or via a live appliance repair consultation for a miniscule fee.
If you’ve donated to the Beer Fund in the past, I am grateful for your support and I honor your integrity. And to show my gratitude for your willingness to support this website, all past donors to the Beer Fund, in any amount, even as little as $1, will receive Live Appliance Repair Consultations on any appliance they’re working on for as long as they live…or for as long as this website lives, whichever ends first. Just identify yourself as a past Beer Fund contributor when you ring me up for live help so I can look you up (I have a record of all past contributors) and we’ll go to work fixing your appliance.
Ok, let’s get stuff fixed!
Special Offer: Mega-Money Wealth Building System
For a limited time only, we’re offering the amazing Mega-Money Wealth Building System, at the drastically reduced price of only $20. That’s right, I said $20, and that includes free shipping! But you must act now!
Stop the Madness!
I hate junk faxes. People that send ’em are nothing more than sleazy little thieves. They’re even a notch below email spammers because they steal my paper and toner to get their stupid message to me. And what kind of half-wit responds to scam offers in unsolicited faxes? There must be enough mental midgets out there to make it worthwhile for junk faxers to continue their evil trade.
Did you know that junk faxes are illegal? Oh yeah, big time. It’s a Federal crime under the Telephone Consumer Protection Act of 1991 (TCPA). Most states have laws forbidding junk faxes, too.
Here’s what I do each and every time I get a junk fax:
-
Send the junk fax with a cover memo to:
Consumer Information Bureau
Federal Communications Commission
445 Twelfth St. SW
Washington, DC 20554 -
In the subject of your memo, at the top, write in bold print:
“TCPA COMPLAINT – UNSOLICITED FAX“ -
Here’s the text of what I write, you can copy it and use it yourself:
I received this unsolicited fax. I did not invite this fax, nor did I give permission for it to be sent. I request that the Commission take appropriate action against the sender.
Fax received [date received] at phone number [your fax number].
[You must sign the memo]
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Then mail it off and crack a cold Bud Light knowing that some scumbag is facing a $1500 fine. BOOYAH!
Junkfax.org claims you can win money by prosecuting or even threatening to prosecute these thieves. There’s even a junk fax attorney who will take your case on retainer! I’m telling you, junk faxes are a big hairy deal. So stop throwing away your junk faxes in disgust. Be part of the solution, stop the madness!
Beer Drinking Update
Check it out: American Express just sent me a Gold Card! Dude, I’m getting a Dell!
Dell hell. I’m gonna buy some more White Winter Premium Oak Brackett. This stuff elevates beer drinking to a new level. Brackett is a style of mead, which is an alcoholic drink made from honey, water and yeast. Mead-making pre-dates beer and wine making, having origins dating back 8,000 years. Brackett originates from ancient Scandinavia and is made by adding malt to mead. It’s a stout, full-bodied drink with a slightly thicker viscosity and higher alcohol content than other fermented grain beverages. Legend has it that sweet mead promotes fertility. Ladies, this mead’s for you! 
Leeches: Q & A
Q. What could be more fun than a handful of leeches?
A. MORE LEECHES!
Q. What equipment do you need to hunt for leeches?
A. Just your bare hands and a specially-trained leech hunting hound.
Q. Where do you hunt for leeches?
A. The best place we’ve found is Mill Pond at Pillsbury State Park.
Appliance Tip of the Day: Appliance Service Calls
I’ve always had a bushy head of hair and I usually don’t bother trimming my beard. So, this is how I used to look when I’d go out for a service call:
But I started thinking maybe I was scaring my customers. Little things, like I go up to the house and knock on the door and they’d answer with a shotgun in their hands. So, I figgered I better git me a hair cut and now I look like this:
And would you believe that when I go out on service calls, I still get people answering the door armed!? That’s what I love about this bidness–there’s just no telling what people will do!
The Samurai’s Rules of Etiquette
Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.
To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use a tablecloth or the serviette.
Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they sat down. Wolves do that.
You should not offer your hankerchief to anyone unless it is freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your hankerchief and peer into it as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head.
Do not be afraid of vomiting, if you must; for it is not the vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.
If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around and discreetly throw it somewhere.
Do not move back and forth in your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking wind or trying to break wind.
Retain the wind by compressing the belly.
Erasmus (c.1530)