The Samurai was invited on the Morning Liftoff radio show this morning. I wish Morning Liftoff had a website I could link you to for more information about the show ’cause I’d do it in a Samurai second! It’s a first-rate, locally-produced morning show that airs from 6 to 9 every weekday morning on WNTK, the voice of the Upper Valley region of New Hampshire and Vermont. The G-Team, shown here to the left, is the three-person crew of this outstanding show. They are George Russell (front and center, flamboyant leader after whom the team is named), Pete Merrigan (left), and Hilary Cogen (right).
In case you missed the show, some of the appliance topics we yakked about were:
- Do-it-yourself is a growth business. Fixitnow.com Samurai Appliance Repair Man gets over 2,400 visitors a day and traffic has increased every month for the past two years!
- Who is the Samurai and how’d he get into fixing stuff?
- How long should appliances last?
- Washer flood prevention: steel-braided washer fill hoses are the cheapest flood insurance money can buy.
- White vinyl dryer vents are a big bozo no-no!
- In the New London, NH, area, call 526-7129 anytime for fast, expert in-home service.
I also recorded five new appliance tips to run as time/weather spots. Listen for them on WNTK!
I got back home late last night from the hike from hell. I grabbed a Sapporo and checked email to read about the latest broken things in the world only to find my inbox jammed with emails from irate Icelanders who had mysteriously discovered my dossier on my web server. The weird thing about this is that I don’t have any links at my website to this document that so inflamed the Icelanders. I’ve read that Google can spider pages that are not linked–if you have unlinked pages lurking on your server, Googblebots will sniff ’em out.
So what of this irksome dossier? Well, it’s just a sophomoric piece I wrote several years ago that clumsily recounted major events from my adolescence through my years in the Navy, college, and my engineering career. If you’re morbidly curious, you can read the offending document at this URL: http://fixitnow.com/dossier.htm — I’m not writing it as a hot link because I don’t want to help Googlebots index it. It’s not very interesting or well-written but the Icelanders took umbrage at my description of the time I spent in Iceland while on active duty in the Navy. I’d like to thank all my new Icelandic friends for taking the time to correct me on a few key points I raised in the dossier.
For example, I wrote that Icelandic fathers commonly bed their daughters. But many Icelanders have written to inform me that this old custom has been largely replaced by the new custom of strangling puppies. Thank goodness! I mean, what kind of life could a puppy have huddled on a frozen rock in the North Atlantic sea? Those poor puppies would be condemned to a life of shivering boredom, with nothing to do for fun but lay around licking their own backsides. It’s great to hear that a degenerate and self-indulgent custom is being displaced by selfless acts of mercy and compassion for such vulnerable creatures.
Another point the Icelanders objected to was my call to use Iceland as a nuclear testing ground. This, of course, is such a ridiculous notion that it doesn’t even warrant a serious response. The radioactive fallout from such a campaign would very likely contaminate unintended targets, such as Canada. And I really like Canadian beer, especially Kokanee beer. When we were backpacking in the Canadian Rockies, we would buy Kokanee beer by the case–damn good stuff!
Uhhh….what were we talking about? Ah, hell, it doesn’t matter. How ’bout another brewski? Here’s to Iceland!
As you know, the air conditioner in Hell breaks down with annoying regularity. Many fine service technicians have tried to repair it–many have died. The Samurai’s world-class reputation for his superb repairing skills extends even into the bowels of the underworld. The other day, a low-level demonic bureaucrat summoned the Samurai to Hell to repair their air conditoner. Naturally, I was not inclined to accept the job but, well, let’s just say they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. So, I hopped in my handbasket and took the highway to Hell. Let’s listen to this rare audio clip of the Samurai practicing his enlightened repairing art while servicing Hell’s air conditioner:
Was the Samurai’s repair successful? Let’s just hope you don’t find out!
Don’t wanna spend much money?
Suspicious of greedy repairmen?
Call Monkey Boy Appliance Repair!
Appliance broken but you don’t want to hire one of those over-priced, greedy repairmen just to replace a simple part? Then don’t! Put your wallet at ease by calling for a genuine parts-changing monkey from Monkey Boy Appliance Repair.
At Monkey Boy, we absolutely guarantee that you’ll never get one of those greedy, overpriced humans…because we don’t have any! All Monkey Boy parts changers are imported directly from the deepest jungles of Africa and then genetically tested to ensure that they are 100% genuine simians, free of any traces of human genetic material.
Then, we put all our verified, 100%-pure monkeys through a proprietary 30-minute training program on changing appliance parts using, not one, but three different hammers! And some of our fully-trained monkeys may even be housebroken, too!
Just think, you could have your appliance fixed right now by a fully-trained and possibly-housebroken Monkey Boy parts-changing monkey. And, best of all, Monkey Boy Appliance Repair caters to special customers just like you so you know our prices are cheap, cheap, cheap!
If you have a broken appliance, don’t just call the first human bubba you find in the Yellow Pages. Call Monkey Boy! Monkey Boy parts changers are here lounging around, eating bananas and scratching themselves while awaiting your call so, please…
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Because you deserve the very cheapest appliance repair.
Disclaimer: Proven effective in laboratory experiments. Not responsible for bites or scratches inflicted on occupants at the home. Keep away from pets and small children. Monkeys may suddenly fling feces without provocation. Avoid contact with skin. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. Other restrictions may apply. No warranty, express or implied, regarding the efficacy of the repair or the quality of the workmanship. Generally speaking, you get what you pay for.
The rare and exquisite Cacapee bird once flourished throughout all New England. The name, Cacapee, is an Iroquois word meaning, “beautiful feathers.” Its long, brightly colored tail plume was highly prized for fashionable head wear. The wing feathers of the Cacapee were commonly used as “tonsil ticklers” in the vomitoriums which were hubs of social activity in New England during the Colonial period. Because of these popular uses of its feathers, the Cacapee bird was hunted to near-extinction. In fact, this exquisite bird was thought to be extinct…until now.
During one of his recent bird-watching missions, the Samurai spotted one of the last remaining Cacapee birds on the entire planet. The bird was spotted in a forest abutting Lake Sunapee, near the Samurai’s home town of New London, New Hampshire. Unfortunately, the camera was damaged in a shower mishap, so no image is available. However, the audio recording survived. Here, now, is the only recording in existence of the Cacapee bird’s mating call (patent-pending, all rights reserved, void where prohibited). Let’s listen:
This is one of those things that pegs the bizarre-o-meter so hard it slams right into cool. Quiznos is using singing vermin to sell sandwiches. I’m LMAO and can’t stop watching it. Check it out.
As cool as the Samurai? Well, you just hitch ’em up, Hoss, and take this 5-second Cool Person Test. Then we’ll see who’s cool and who’s the fool.
After hearing millions of grasshoppers chirping the praises of Fixitnow.com, the Supreme Samurai Council decided to send their top Field Compliance Officer, Kudzuki, to investigate. Kudzuki-san witnessed Samurai Appliance Repair Man in action, battling an appliance, and filed this report with the Supreme Samurai Council.
You’re surfing the Web looking for do-it-yourself appliance repair help and you come across Fixitnow.com. After the initial shock and awe, you ask yourself, “Is this site for real or is it just a sad and twisted showcase for a delusional personality disorder?”
That’s a good question, thanks for not asking. The answer is a shameless, “YES!” Although Samurai Appliance Repair Man does suffer from delusions that your broken appliances mock and dishonor him, Fixitnow.com is an authentic and reliable source of appliance repair help. But you don’t have to take my word for it. See this BBBOnLine emblem? Yeah, that one. Go ahead and click it and you can get background information on Fixitnow.com.
So what does this mean for you? Well, for starters, it means Fixitnow.com has been checked out by an independent group and they verified that it ain’t one o’ them flimflam websites like you find on the seedy underbelly of the Web. Yessir, you got the real deal ratcheer, Hoss. It also means that when you purchase Live Repair Help, I’m not out to scam your money. Fixitnow.com is all about helping you fix your appliances…and maybe with a giggle or two along the way.
Ok, let’s kick some appliance butt!
Our dear, dear friend, Moostafa, the Ayatollah of Appliance Repair, runs the world-renowned Moostafa’s Mecca of Appliance Repair. Several months ago, Moostafa’s tent was mistaken for a Taliban headquarters and was bombed by Ameedican, er, I mean, American troops. Since then, no one heard from Moostafa and we all feared the worst.
However, today I am delighted to announce that I have just received an email from Moostafa telling me that he and all 17 of his voluptuous wives escaped unharmed although, sadly, three of their milking yaks were killed. Despite this regrettable loss of livestock, we sing thanks and praise to Allah for preserving Moostafa and his harem. Moostafa is looking forward to getting back to work in his forum, helping you wage holy war on your insolent appliances. Come with me now and visit with the Ayatollah.
“But wait,” you say, “who is Moostafa and what makes him such an appliance guru?” Ok, fair question. I’ll tell you a little about him.
Moostafa comes to us from Jalalabad, Afghanistan, where he powers his iMac off a camel dung and lime juice battery that he designed himself. It’s exactly that kind of Afghani know-how that makes Moostafa such a valuable appliance guru. So, come, kick off your sandals and gather ’round the carpet with the Ayatollah of Appliance Repair and learn to cast out the demons that plague your appliances.
One of the Samurai’s winter hiking budrows emailed a while back expressing his appreciation for some of my audio posts. Let ’em tickle your ears, too.
You make my hear ache! Here it is a balmy 65 degrees in PA and I make the mistake of clicking on to the new and improved Fixitnow.com website and see SNOW! You suck! Then I hear your message from Mars, I’ve got mail jingle and the Sit Back, Relax, and Enjoy Your Flight stuff and find myself thinking that I just gotta bust on up and down a few with the Samurai and do some hiking. But……then I come across this Cacapee Bird call….. Whew! I ain’t goin’ no where cause you mest up!
The above message was sent when you were offline, via your LivePerson site.
Message sent from IP: 220.127.116.11
Update: Dave is making the trek up here to God’s Country next week to bust some snow in the White Mountains with the Samurai. Film at Eleven.
The rare and beautiful Cacapee bird once flourished throughout all New England. The name, Cacapee, is an Iroquois word meaning, “beautiful feathers.” Its long, brightly colored tail plume was highly prized for fashionable head wear. The wing feathers of the Cacapee were commonly used as “tonsil ticklers” in the vomitoriums which were hubs of social activity in New England during the Colonial period. Because of these popular uses of its feathers, the Cacapee bird was hunted to near-extinction. In fact, this exquisite bird was thought to be extinct…until now.
During one of his recent bird-watching missions, the Samurai documented the existence of one of the last remaining Cacapee birds on the entire planet. The bird was spotted in a forest abutting Lake Sunapee, near the Samurai’s home town of New London, New Hampshire. Unfortunately, the camera was damaged in a shower mishap, so no image is available. However, the audio recording survived. Here, now, is the only recording in existence of the Cacapee bird’s mating call (patent-pending, all rights reserved, void where prohibited). Let’s listen: