Category Archives: Samurai Incarnate

Posts about the Samurai in real life, work and play.

Samurai Appliance Repair Apprenticeships

Everyday, my inbox is jammed with thousands of emails from hopeful souls all over the world pleading and begging for an apprenticeship opportunity with the Samurai. The reason is obvious: a successful apprenticeship with the Fermented Grand Master of Appliantology and the world’s one and only 33rd-degree black belt in Fixite Do is a sure ticket to a successful and lucrative career as a certifiable appliance repair technician. However, due to time constraints, I can only accept two apprentices at any one time.

Currently, my two Samurai Apprentices are Zoltan (age 12) and Osama bin Fahrtin (age 10). And since they’re also my spawn, they’ll be apprenticing with me for the next six to eight years. However, they’ve prepared the following progress reports to give you, the abnormally hopeful candidate, a taste of the magic and glory of apprenticing with the Samurai.

Samurai Apprentice Zoltan offers this summary of his apprenticeship:

Konnichiwa, I will now tell you the great honor of working with the Samurai.

First, you must train yourself in tool-to-hand combat, or in other words you must know where his tools are, and when to hand them to him.

Secondly, the tool-bearer must keep the Samurai’s tools clean and in their place, for the Samurai does not tolerate fools.

Thirdly, you must be able to deal with customers. Some customers are honored to have the Samurai in their humble abode; some treat him like a parts changing monkey.

So you must always be ready for battle when the Samurai gets a call from someone who wants him to lay on dirty floors and fix stinking appliances. Now I must go, for my master needs a socket wrench. Sayonara.

And Samurai Apprentice Osama bin Fahrtin offers this troika of haikus about the types of customers he’s met while on service calls with the Samurai:

Some people are weird:
creepy, dirty, scary like
Tales from the Dark Side.”

A few are cheesedorks,
Complaining about his fee.
They shall taste his blade!

Cheerful and friendly:
This is the best customer,
They do not complain.

The Genesis of Samurai Appliance Repair Man

Samurai! Whoa, dude, you are something else. Every time I get on the site to look something up I end up getting sidetracked by a lot of other stuff you’ve written. Haikus?!? Kinda weird, man. I can’t help but wonder – have you always been an appliance tech?

The above message was sent when you were offline, via your Timpani site.

Message sent from IP:

Ah, Grasshoppah, your query warms my cockles. My real beginning in learning the ancient martial art of Fixite Do goes back to the Navy in the late 70’s where I repaired aircraft navigational appliances as a snot-nosed teenaged enlisted puke.

After my sentence in the Navy, I went to collitch so I could learn how to spell words like “collitch.” Afterwards, I took a Dilbert detour and led a life of quiet desperation working in cubicle farms designing industrial refrigeration appliances.

About 12 years ago, someone shared the Gospel according to St. Applianopoulous with me. I accepted the Lord Fixus as my personal guru and I converted to the Appliantology faith. After my baptism, I was renamed to Samurai Appliance Repair Man. The old me is dead, all things are made new in Fixus! My new faith has informed my particular style of Fixite Do ever since. Amen.

Samurai’s Appliance Repair Photo Galleries

After you’ve been kicking around the Web a while, you find that you’ve scattered your photo albums among several photo-sharing websites. As newer, slicker photo storing websites come available, you start using them; I never bother to transfer my photos from the older sites, waaay too tedious and, besides, I have important things to do, like picking tuna from between my teeth or scratching my bum then seeing how long I can resist sniffing my fingers.

Anyway, I’ve consolidated all my vast and awesome galleries of appliance repair photo albums into one convenient little page with its own little domain name: Be there now.

Appliance Repair Radio: Appliance Service Calls

Listen to our podcast or we'll tell all your friends that you pick through their trash.Samurai Appliance Repair Man and Mrs. Samurai take you on a wild romp into the seedy underbelly of the appliance repair world. In this episode, we explain what to look for in a decent appliance service company and how to avoid getting screwed in an appliance service call.

Listen to this episode | Podcast homepage | Podcast RSS feed

The Samurai Makes Housecalls!

Broken appliance? Tired of dealing with know-nothing, parts-changing monkeys? Wouldn’t it be great to find expert service you can trust?

If you have the supreme good fortune of living in New London, NH, or in one of the adjacent towns, then, yea verily, the pot-bellied, buck-toothed, cross-eyed Buddha hath grinned down upon you because the Samurai makes housecalls!

(603) 526-7129

  • Professional services are rendered flat rate. My fee is a flat $125 for most repairs. The fee is higher for some installations or appliances but, if this is the case, I would quote this up-front. In addition to my professional service fee, I also charge $25 per trip, including the first trip. And, of course, there’s the charge for any parts that are used, which you can look up ratcheer.
  • If, in my expert, professional opinion, the repair is not worth doing or if the needed parts are no longer available, then you would only pay the trip charge.
  • I can usually schedule a two-hour window for my arrival at your house so you’re not waiting around all day.
  • All repairs are fully guaranteed for 90 days, parts and labor.
  • For your convenience, we accept checks, cash, gold, silver, platinum, palladium and winning lottery tickets for payment.

Call (603) 526-7129 anytime for service.

Speed. Skill. Honor.

Samurai Appliance Repair Man Sponsors Gardner Goldsmith’s ‘Against the Grain’ on WNTK Talk Radio


NEW LONDON, NH. Samurai Appliance Repair Man is the newest sponsor of Gardner Goldsmith’s radio show, Against the Grain on local radio station, WNTK, 99.7FM in the New London, NH area. The show sports other spiffy monikers such as the Free Market Lunch and the Gardner Goldsmith Experience.

Gardner’s show has been dubbed the smartest show on radio by Samurai Appliance Repair Man, the brains and gluteus maximus behind, the wildly successful do-it-yourself appliance repair website with a huge cult following.

“Gardner’s show is the smartest show on radio,” the Samurai told network reporters, while opening another can of Old Milwaukee, “Ol’ Gardner is right there in the trenches every day educating the sheeple about liberty and fighting the battle against this nanny state we live in, this gubmint-on-acid, this ‘damn, dirty ape’ police state.

“In an endless ocean of pro big-gubmint propaganda advocating either socialism or fascism (both of which are collectivist economic systems), Gardner’s show is on the vanguard of an emerging renaissance of radio and Internet shows carrying the message of liberty to the masses.

“People are so steeped in a collectivist paradigm that they are unable to see that many of the tenants they blindly accept are anathema to individual liberty. Things like a national income tax, a broken government education monopoly that we’re forced to pay for, foreign wars of aggression, and government regulation of what we may or may not put in our own bodies vis-a-vis recreational or medicinal drugs are all examples of anti-liberty government programs.”

The Samurai hopes that by supporting pro-liberty broadcasts, such as the Gardner Goldsmith Experience, more people will come to view all government, but especially the Feral Gubmint, as an intestinal parasite which must be excreted out by the cleansing laxative of Truth.

Against the Grain with Gardner Goldsmith can be heard Monday through Friday, 12 to 3 p.m., Eastern Time, on WNTK, 99.7 FM. You can also listen via their web stream (need Real-Player). Gardner’s website is


Get Ready! (for the Hard Day)

Get ready for the Hard Day

It’s not a question of if, but when and how bad the next emergency will impact your life. Even the various tentacles of the federal gubmint are urging people to make preparations for at least a 72 hour emergency, but anyone with any common sense is preparing for a much more protracted scenario. When I talk about this with my family, we call this the Hard Day.

To help people prepare for the inevitable, I’ve started a new message board completely dedicated to helping everyone and anyone prepare for the coming Hard Day. It’s brand, spankin’ new so I only have a few things posted right now but it’s not about me– it’s about we the sheeple pooling our knowledge and resources to help each other survive and prosper during the Hard Day. In turn, we have a responsibility to help our neighbors and communities prepare. Don’t rely on the gubmint to do for you what you should do for yourself; remember Katrina.

The new message board is called Get Ready! It looks the same as the Samurai Appliance Repair Forum and runs the same software, so it’s already familiar to regular users of this site. So come on in and become a part of our preparedness community:

Happy Thanksgiving!

In this fifth Thanksgiving Day of the new millennium, I am filled with gratitude and thanks for cheating death another day. Life is the greatest gift of all and we tend to get so bogged down by the frustrations and minutia of day-to-day living that we lose sight of the bigger picture. That’s the really cool thing about Thanksgiving– regardless of your religion or personal philosophy, Thanksgiving is a day that calls each of us to step back from the tasks in our lives and to simply be grateful that we are alive. And it’s not even about being thankful for all the toys and crap we have in our lives, it’s about being thankful for Life itself and for that little spark of Life that infuses and animates the being of every living creature in the universe. As humans, we have a unique relationship with Life because we alone have the capacity to be grateful and thus enter into a unique and personal relationship with Life. And because we all share the same Life, regardless of our religion, ethnicity, or race, we are literally brothers and sisters.

My human brothers and sisters, let us lay aside our petty differences and earthly cares, even if only for this day, and recognize that we are all connected simply by virtue of being alive.

It is good to be here.

Appliance Service Call

Working Fall
Originally uploaded by Zenzoidman.

Driving to an appliance service call, I had to pull over for some, eh hem, essential kidney maintenance. It’s tough trying to repair an oven, refrigerator, dishwasher, or whatever, while your teeth are chattering from excessive abdominal pressure. In addition to providing that after-glow of relief, it was a nice view.

The Way of the Samurai

Went out on a service call for an old-style Hotpoint (GE) top-loading washer. Complaint was that it leaked. When the customer called, I explained my fee structure: I charge a flat professional fee of $149 (for most repairs) which includes all trip charges, service call charges, diagnostic fees as well as the services to implement the repair, no matter what the repair or if I need to order a part and come back. Parts are extra. I also give a one hour window for arriving at the customer’s house, accept payment by cash, check or any major credit card, and guarantee my work for one year, parts and labor. She was fine with this and just wanted her washer fixed ASAP. I got out the same day.

Upon arrival, I pulled the washer out from the wall, removed the back panel and added some water to the tub in order to locate the leak in accordance with Samurai’s 14th Law of Appliance Repair, “All leaks are visual.”

The source of the leak soon became evident. It was a rust hole in the outer tub of the washer, as shown below. Click the picture for a larger view.

Rust hole in an old-style GE/Hotpoint washer tub.

I advised the customer that it was in her best interest to buy a new washer. Obviously, I couldn’t charge $149 for just diagnosing the problem and determining that it would be in the customer’s best interest to purchase a new washer. Since I was effectively condemning this washer, I only charged her a $65 fee for diagnosing the problem. I so rarely condemn appliances while at the customer’s home that I almost never discuss that possibility with them on the phone while setting up the service call. Ain’t I special? I love me!

Now that most of you are no longer reading this post, I’ll go ahead and share with you my reasoning for charging the way I do. I used to charge using the Blue Book flat rate guide. I would charge a $69 diagnostic fee for which I would schedule an appointment with the customer to diagnose their appliance and give them a quote for the repair. The repair fee would come out of the Blue Book flat rate guide. If the customer declined the repair, they would only owe the $69 diagnostic fee.

The problem with this fee structure is that it creates an unrealistically low price expectation in the customer’s mind for what the repair will cost. Inevitably, after troubleshooting the appliance and quoting the repair cost, I would get asked, “How much is a new one?” I got asked this question so frequently that I wrote an article about it that I would hand out to customers. Worse yet, about half the time, the customer would decline the repair, pay the $69 fee, and be left feeling soiled, as if I was trying to pull a fast one, and I walked out with $69 for “just looking at it.”

Funk that noise!

Here’s a fun fact to know and tell: the average repair price under this new fee structure is actually less than what it was using the flat rate book! But all some people hear on the phone is $149 and they’re off searching for someone who’ll tell them something misleading because, the fact is, most people need to be lied to when it comes to paying what it really costs for in-home service. But those folks are not my customers. The nice thing about my new fee structure is that it automatically selects people who are my customers: they have a realistic expectation of what it will cost to get it fixed; they value their time and so appreciate that I schedule one-hour windows for arriving at their home; and they like that I stand behind my work for one full year, parts and labor.

So, I decided instead of letting people know how much it’s gonna cost to repair their low-brow, cheesy appliance after I’ve already wasted a chunk of my life rolling around on their filthy kitchen floor or in their nasty laundry room, why not give ’em a good idea right up front, on the phone? So that’s what I do now and life is mucho better. I schedule far fewer service calls but end up grossing about the same amount of money and my job average has doubled from under $100/job to almost $200/job. But, here’s the kicker: fewer service calls means lower variable costs and a correspondingly healthier bottom line. And, most importantly, it means more time off for the really important things in life, like hiking.

Harisutosu hukkatsu! Jitsu ni hukkatsu!

Today is Easter (Pascha) for Orthodox Christians. Millions of Orthodox Christians all over the world are greeting each other with the traditional greeting, “Christ is risen!” And the traditional response, “Indeed He is risen!” In their own language, of course.

For example, in Japanese, the Samurai’s pseudo-native tongue, the greeting is, “Harisutosu hukkatsu!” And the reply, “Jitsu ni Hukkatsu!”

In another example, Orthodox Christians in Minnesota greet each other, “So, Christ is up dere den!” And the response, “Ya shure, ya betcha, He’s up dere den!”

Below is the traditional Paschal icon. Click it for a larger view.

After He died on the cross, Jesus descended into Hell and restored humanity’s fallen nature, represented here as freeing Adam and Eve. Hell was unable to withstand the Light of Christ and so was destroyed by the very presence of the Lord.

A Day in the Life of the Samurai

Although the Samurai does virtual service calls all over the world through his award-winning website,, and through the world-famous Samurai School of Appliantology, he also does service calls in real life!

Many grasshoppers have emailed wondering what a day in the life of the Samurai is like. Presented below is a never-before-seen series of actual photographs of the Samurai during a typical day of service calls. You can click each photo for a larger view.

I trust this will satisfy your venal voyeuristic impulses.

The phone rings at Samurai International Headquarters: another appliance in distress!

The Samurai arrives at the house in the Fixite Do service van and prepares to do battle with a broken appliance.

The customer balks at the Samurai’s bill and dishonors him. The Samurai prepares to deal harshly with the customer’s insolence. No callbacks on this job!

Back at Samurai International Headquarters, the Samurai awaits another service call.